I've been playing Eve for five years now. I've been involved with Null Sec Alliances, FC'ed 200+ ship fleets, started and killed a couple of Alliances and Corporations, fought in some of the largest battles New Eden has ever seen, been a Soldier, a Pirate, a can-flipper, a defender of Carebears and a destroyer of ships. I've been to every region on the map. In and out of Wormholes, bubbles, gate camps and just about everything else you can name.
In all that time I haven't been as sick to my stomach as I am right now.
It doesn't have anything to do with being right or wrong. On this side of the fence or the other. It has everything to do with futility. And common decency.
I struggle openly on this blog. I write what I feel. And I've fought my own personal demons over the choices I've made in this game we play. Those of you that have followed along know of what I speak.
Those challenges are often mirrored by real life, as I suspect many of your challenges are. We all have lives, families, friends and responsibilities. As a man, I take these extremely serious. I tend to not take Eve serious at all. It is after all, only a game.
I watched my friends leave Tuskers. I took the verbal accusations and sucked them up and didn't say anything back. I blamed bad FC'ing on video card bugs, all to save the face of someone who didn't give two shits about me personally. I ranted and raved about how great his corporation was and how you should respect it, play in its games and support it with your donations. I spent hours and hours of real time giving it special treatment, graphics and cool-ass posters. I poured my heart into it.
And then the bubble burst and I reacted badly. I knew I did. I swallowed my pride, owned up to my responsibilities to my fellow pilots and apologized. And I was stabbed in the face for doing so. Spit on once more and ground down into the mud.
I honestly don't know why. And frankly, I don't really care.
But I admit this openly. The whole thing just makes me sick.
Despite accusations to the contrary, "Drama" is not my thing. For the past year I've been trying very hard to keep a low profile and focus on playing the game and becoming a better solo pilot. It is hard to do when you have a blog you write in every day. I explained that when I joined, everyone went into this thing with their eyes open. And I make no apologies for what I do here.
I can't log in right now and see my friends as red dots on my overview.
I can't make any decisions about what might be next, because I am still a Tusker.
I appreciate the dozens and dozens of invitations, ideas, and letters, emails and comments. Thank you all. This community is amazing and you make me smile.
But this whole thing is just a damn shame.
I'm not interested in playing Eve according to anyone elses idea of what that means. I have always played for my own reasons and my own joys. I am however incredibly loyal to those I choose to fly with. There really is no one better to have on your side.
The converse is also true. I can't help it. I enjoy helping to fight against Incarna, I enjoy getting Frills back on Vagabonds, fighting for an in-game Memorial to Fallen Capsuleers and all the other righteous causes I get attached to. I've worked hard for that right by never giving up and sticking to my guns. And pouring my heart out here on these pages each and every day.
I can make life hard for you. I can mock and create horrible pictures and drag your actions in the mud. I also happen to be very good at that.
But that doesn't mean I want to. But when you are pushed into a corner, you either roll over or fight back. I've never rolled over to anyone.
I'm a hard-headed Irish blooded American who reacted poorly to zero-tolerance dictatorial mandates.
I should still be a Tusker. I should be promoting FFA#3. I should be killing people in style. I should be having fun with my friends.
Instead I'm not.
And that is a damn shame.