8% Depression

This is a quick post. I was curious today and decided to look at some numbers. I went back to full-time employment 26 months ago. The 26 months before that I spent being sued, fighting in court, watching my business partner die from brain cancer, and generally fighting with CCP about stupid crap. Y'know the story. In other words, massive depression.

I'm more my old self these days, so I was curious to see if there was a difference between the last 26 months and the previous 26 months before that reflected on my kill-board. It's sort of a dumb thing certainly, but kill-boards are the only data I can actually track. So here is what I discovered.

In the last 26 months (2 years, 2 months) I've had 1,110 engagements and I won 81% of them. For the 26 months before that I had 2,455 engagements and won 73% of them. Which is an overall improvement of 8%. The raw numbers are 899W/211L to 1,773W/682L in the same periods. Obviously my total engagement numbers are less than half of what they were, which is a result of having significantly less playing time combined with the slow agonizing death of low sec in general.

Beyond the numbers however, I can honestly tell you that I've seen a significant difference in the way I play Eve. Looking back from a safe distance now I can clearly see how my depression impacted not only my play and the risks I regularly took, but also my interactions with fellow players, CCP and others. And while at the time I would have sworn I was dealing with these things normally, I can easily attest to the fact that I wasn't. Now. From a further remove.

These days, while I still retain a healthy amount of pirate risk taking, I'm not as desperate for the rush. I'm not looking for an escape as much as I was. This is certainly a much healthier me. And that's a much larger and more significant improvement than any statistic can reflect. Much more importantly however, and the single biggest change over the past 52 months - I no longer have the pressure to make everything I do a huge success. Our entire lives are not resting on every decision. During the dark times, that was always an important consideration. It was often the most important consideration. Understandably.

An 8% improvement is nothing in the grand scheme. Honestly I'd rather go back to a 73% success rate if it meant that Low Sec was more active again. The important thing is how I feel and the progress we've made in the last 26 months. Not so much in-game, but out here in the real world where it truly counts.

Just a quick post. I thought it was interesting enough to share.

Keep the courage.


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