This is all about evolutionary transient mental progress isn't it? From Noob to MeatShield to Hero Tackler to Solo Stealth Death to Fleet Flyer to Gang Buster to actual PvPer... it really is a path towards caring about a character you've invested so much time and energy into over the years. I do care about Rixx, more than I should probably, but there it is. It is useless to deny that for me personally, I couldn't care less about stupid killboard stats, but for Rixx... now that's a Dramiel of a different color.
This comes with the realization that Rixx will never be the pilot with the greatest killboard stats in the universe, that isn't who he is and he never will be. Mostly that comes from not having the kind of playing time required to really rack up the numbers, nor the dedication that such an effort would take. Kudos to those that do, my hat is off to you. The students and people that have the time to dedicate, you are amazing. But I have a much more complex life and Eve is only one small part of it. So having said that, it doesn't mean that we can't work towards a goal.
And honestly, we have been for a long time now. Just in the last three months I have noticed a considerable change in Rixx that seems significant. A big part of that is time of course, Rixx is a character over two years old now and on the edge of passing 40m skillpoints. The vast majority of those in combat skills. The numbers are starting to have an impact. As is experience and skill at playing Eve. Being a veteran has its benefits as well. The "spider-sense" of what is and isn't a trap, bait, gate camp, drag bubble or otherwise good or bad situation also develops over time. There is nothing that replaces or short-cuts experience.
Another piece of the puzzle however is RJ's fellow pilots. While I have no regrets regarding my storied and legendary history, it would be senseless to deny that growing up in Providence didn't come with a price. Especially early on in my career. Looking back now I can laugh about just how much I fought when I had 2m to 10m skill points. Good grief. If a pilot came to me and asked my opinion now, would I recommend he fly into zero space with less than 2m skill points and start PvPing? My first year in Eve I was 257-98, which isn't horrible considering the stupid things I did to myself. Since then I've gone 422-125 (Although that includes a 89-97 run during the last four months, the moving back and forth to Providence, the Co2 war and moving into Syndicate really took its toll!), 55-10 since starting Lucifer's Hammer and 22-2 since joining RK (20-1 in the last seven days). Stats, ugh.
But the biggest change in my opinion is being responsible. I have my own Corp now and while there are better PvP pilots in LUCRH (which is a good thing!) I am feeling a bit like I should be better than I have been. A certain amount of self-imposed pressure I guess. I don't feel the need to be the best PvP pilot in the corp but I certainly don't want to be the worst either. Although we don't really have a "worst" pilot, but you know what I mean.
All this comes down to a decision to start trying to do better. Being surrounded by excellence demands its own level of excellence doesn't it? I finally feel like the dust of Providence has finally been shaken from my boots. And maybe, deep down, that is what the decision to leave Black-Mark was all about. Dissonance was and remains a great Corp full of great players, but in the end I first joined them when we were still in Providence and DION was in the LFA Alliance. Event though BLM was a new Alliance it still tied me to that part of my past. Leaving and striking out on my own with a new Corp and a new Alliance feels like growing up.
Maybe, finally, this is what it all boils down to. Rixx is finally growing up.