5 Randomly Weird Things About Eve Online

I'm totally making this up as I go, so bear with me while I pull today's post out of my super-genius nether region for your nominal entertainment. The preceding statement being only half-true, I am in fact drawing on years of Eve experience to pull spontaneous brilliance out of my nether region. Just like every day.

So here are five totally randomly selected ways in which I find Eve Online to be totally weird. Tongue firmly in-cheek, humor intended stuff here. Not serious.

1. Criminal Timers

I'm in a low security system alone with some schmuck in another ship. It is just me and that other guy I like to call "Target Ted". Target Ted is ratting in a belt ( I know that is a Myth, but let's use it for the purpose of the story, k?) in a Rifter. And I, being notoriously ebil, am in another ship capable of killing his Rifter dead. I warp into the belt, having used my superior d-scan abilities to track Ted's ass down, and start shooting at Ted. Just cause.

But Ted ain't as dumb as he looks and warps away, cause Ted fit WCS to his Rifter despite me repeatedly telling people not to do that! I imagine Ted's comms must have gone something like this, "Uh Station Control? Uh yeah, this is Target Ted over in Belt Six. Yeah, look, this Rixx Javix fella is shooting his guns at me!! No I'm fine, I gots 4 WCS fitted!! Yes, yes I know they kill kittens and I don't care. Look, I warped out, but could you do something about this menace? What?!? Thirty seconds?! That's all?"

Oh gosh. I can't dock for thirty seconds. More time to study for Amarr BS V I guess.


2. Situational Awareness

What a mess! Seriously, think about it for more than a second. Local shows every dood in the system you are in instantly, and yet shares none of that information with YOU. Imagine this in Real Life for a second, you've got this app on your phone that shows you a picture of everyone within a 30 mile radius of you, and yet tells you nothing about where they might be. They could be right behind you, right now!! Unless they happen to walk into range... then they show up. No one signs up for this app btw, it shows you even if you don't want it to.

In order to find your neighbors you need the Eve version of a Dowsing Rod. Twirl around in your ship for a bit until the wooden stick tingles, the guy you are looking for is over that way somewhere. Y'know, in general. How far is he? Which of those clusters of icons is he in? Hehe, go look for yourself ya schmuck.

I actually love this part of Eve and I don't have a brilliant way to make it better, but it is rather silly when you think about it. We can build Jump Drives and Civilian Autocannons, but we can't do better than this on the single most important element in all of Eve? Uh huh. Don't even get me started on Local Chat... imagine that app?


3. Those Ships Flying By Your Hanger?

If you spin your ship in the right direction while in station these days you are bound to spot the busy traffic passing by your huge hanger. And while the Stations in Eve are obviously built using TARDIS Technology, even that doesn't explain these creepy Ghost Ships. You are the only one in local and yet there they go, back and forth, like busy little bees. Who the f**k are these people!?!

I know for a fact they are not undocking. I've been outside a lonely station and no one is coming out of it. So they must be up to something else and I, luckily for you, have a theory. That part of the station is a huge circle and those ships are part of the HUGE Pilot Training Certification Program (PTCP). Yep, those ships can't undock, cause they are going around in circles learning the best ways to not bump into each other, or crash into the sides of the station causing untold billions in property damage expelling air into space and causing the deaths of thousands of innocent people. Cause those kinds of skills are so important out in space... >cough<

It gets boring in Station. The doors don't work and the only recreation people have is to take the family Dominix out for a spin around the Center Circle. "Let's go watch Timmy pass the window again!!"


4. Without Pants

I've got news for you that you might not like much, you and everyone else in Eve is flying around Nekkid. Yep, we are in our ships of terror, zipping around the universe in our birthday suits. This fact alone must make public speaking in New Eden extremely easy.

So at some point between the balcony and the pod, all of us take off all our clothes and step into the Capsule for the ride up to the ship... Nekkid. For everyone in station to get a good look at our naughty bits.

I'm not sure why we have to fly our ships naked, or what effect that has on the crew... if there is a crew! (Ooooooo, but that's another post.) There is an alternate theory out there that the pod destruction destroys clothing, but I don't buy it. How would it do that in exactly the same fashion every time? Doesn't make logical sense, and as you know, everything I write needs to meet that criteria.

This might have something to do with those circling ships...


5. Being a Zombie

I've died 80 times in Eve so far. Dead. Kaput. Pushing up daisies. Flinging myself from this mortal coil and dashing headlong into the aft... only to be brought back once more into this hell hole existence where everyone wants to keel me. And this doesn't even begin to mention the thousands and thousands of times I've been disassembled and flung hither and thou from one end of the Universe to the other every time I "jump" thru a gate or a cyno thingie.

Maybe this is why I became a Pirate? The lack of a soul, since it went and joined the heavenly choir about six years ago. Don't believe in souls? Well then you are a Zombie Eve Pilot. Walking around all dead inside, reborn into a new body, with hatches on your head where they stick those expensive implants and "inject" skills into your brain. (Why learn a skill that only involves pushing a button? Off topic.)

Oh yes, Eve is weirder than you probably realized. And those five things are just scratching the surface really. I could go on and on.

But I do have to save some things for later. Plus, I really want to go get nekkid and run around dying all over the place. There are 80 Rixx corpses just floating around in space somewhere. Next time you hear a thud when flying around, that might be me!



4 comments:

  1. I often use my out-of-corp scanning alt to probe down the exact position of cloaky plexers before my main can warp in for a demonstration of what the W in FW actually stands for.

    Unfortunately my alt can't simply transmit that information to my main. She has to move the bookmark to her cargohold, uncloak and jettison the pin in a container. My main then has to pick up the container and transfer the pin to his bookmarks. If during that time the target moves more than 2000m from his position, I can't find him.

    Essentially, we are immortal pilots flying between the stars but, unless we're in the same corporation, we can't text message space coordinates between each other.

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  2. The weirdest one is certainly the crew, so I can see why you're saving that for its own article. CCP might as well give that one up and say the ships are all automated. Can you imagine two guys, fresh out of spaceship engineering crew school in Jita:

    "Hey Bill, I downloaded the job openings for the ships docked up. Wanna see?"
    "Look at this top one - this immortal capsuleer guy needs 1250 crew for a Tornado."
    "Tornado? Hey, I aced the practicum on power systems for oversized weapons, that sounds great."
    "Yeah, and I see this captain flies a lot of them - he's umm.... wow... lost 67 of them this month so far. Oh, and his callsign is apparently SuicideIs MyGame"
    "Oooh, yeah, and those ABCs are so packed the ship lifepod systems are notoriously bad. So what's he paying that's enough to make someone crazy enough to sign up."
    "Uh.... zero ISK a day."
    "Pass"

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  3. Well the naked part has been explained in the past, or at least I think so. As far as I know, people are floating around in their pods in space goo unclothed because this goo gives you nutrients while in your ship and keeps you sterile. Wearing clothes would probably screw this up. And you step into your pod in your quarters, or something like that.

    You should read the few books they're pretty sweet.

    As for crews, in the books (Empyrean age and all that) there's the capsuleer flown ships and the normal navy ships. The navy ships are flown by a whole crew, including a captain etc and they're slower than capsuleer flown.
    As for the capsuleer ones, they have a crew, that go about the small repair jobs etc in ships, but everything is done through the ships link with the capsuleer's mind. Turning, accelerating, .. Everything is done through the mind's commands.

    https://wiki.eveonline.com/en/wiki/New_Eden_crew_guidelines gives a nice amount on the different crews and all that.

    But like I said, read the books, they are pretty sweet to learn more about the working of ships etc :)

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    Replies
    1. I've read the books. This was just a fluff humor piece in the sty;e of Cracked:
      http://www.cracked.com/

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