AKA MITTEN'S NEEDS A NEW POOL
The Emporium’s fleet has arrived at our borders. We hold space in a neighboring region to The Emporium. It is time to pray up. A radio message is being sent to our leaders and diplomats. The fate of Low Sec and our people is in our hands...
A NEW KIND OF EMPORE
On November 23 on the Emporium forums (which is not like r/eve AT ALL!), Mittens, alliance leader of Goonswarm Federation, The Emporium coalition and Kickstarter genius, announced plans to create a super-dooper RMT empire in New Eden. His plan, which was laid out to all members of the Emporium, is quite simple(duh!): Bend the knee and enjoy the benefits of shopping at The Emporium, or be evicted and replaced with someone who will. This message was quickly passed around Reddit (to much lolz), but has now been made official as of November 30.
THE MESSENGER (KEEL THE MESSENGER!!)
The Emporium’s plan, organized under the Ministry of Shifty RMT Oversight (MittsPOOL), involves viceroys, or Grand Moffs, contacting regional leaders with an offer that comes with two options. The first option is to take the benefits package of The Emporium in return for simple, reasonable bimonthly fees and/or tribute which they can then convert into real monies. The second option is much more nasty pants; If a subject alliance denies the offer, the full might of The Emporium will deploy and exterminate the subject alliance’s sovereignty and assets (Luckily Low Sec don't got none of that!). At first, there will be loads (of) resistance and rebellion, but that is the point! (It only took two paragraphs!) Resistance means war, and war means everyone gets to shoot spaceships. “Rebellions and traitors,” Mittens said, “will be put down by The Emporium's guaranteed low prices and BoGo Sales.” (Don't we shoot spaceships all the time?)
The Mitten’s post on goonfleet.com also stated, “This is possible now only due to the failure of our Kickstarter which attempted to take goons monies. That didn't work. So now we gotta expand our plan into other people's wallets.”
THE DETS
SALE! SALE! SALE! Oh, sorry, we meant content. What else are we gonna do?
THINGS THE EMPORIUM WILL NOT DO
No Returns after 30 days
No International Shipping
No Private Dinners with Mittens
No Treats
And NO Book DAMN YOU ALL! Stoopid community!
POSSIBLE BENEFITS TO EMPORIAL SUBJECTS
Discounted Subscriptions to TMC™ Feeds!
Super-Duper Capital Construction™
Intel and Connections™: We'll share our sekrit pony list™ with ya.
Guides to set up Reaction Chains & Improve Finance, Org Creation™, Fleet Doctrines (possibly unwise™, lolz™)
Goonmetrics™ as a Market Tool
(Possible) Miniluv™ Exemption™: those who bend the knee won't be blown up en route to Jita - additional monthly fee for safety
Non-Invasion Pact: AKA™ 'The Emporium™ won't exterminate you', won't attack the hard assets of subjects, though ships may be blown up randomly on roams. (Welcome to Low Sec, this is our entire reason for being!)
POSSIBLE TRIBUTE FROM EMPORIAL SUBJECTS
20% of Goo™ produced by Subject Moons™, as confirmable by recon and prorated given changes in ownership (Math!!)
Alternative: Forced Discount™, The Emporium buys all of subject's goo sold in Jita at an enforced 10-15% discount under market.(Lolz!)
PI Taxation™ - Customs Feels
COLLECTION OF TRIBUTE™
COLLECTION OF TRIBUTE™™
COLLECTION OF TRIBUTE™™™
COLLECTION OF TRIBUTE (You get the idear)
"Taxes" are delivered twice a month
"Taxes" are delivered to Jita by the subject, not the viceroy. (Its good to be a Viceroy!)
Viceroys of subject alliances will receive 5% of the taxes/tribute taken (Oh I see what you did there!)
WHAT MIGHT THE FUTURE HOLD?
Like it or not, Mitten's is getting a new pool. With The Emporium's current campaign in the evacuated region of Cloud Ring, we may see this plan put into action a lot sooner than later. Spring is Coming!!
BONUS!!!
We're also happy to reveal the NEW Viceroy Program LOGO!!
