Emporium' Viceroy Program Announced


AKA MITTEN'S NEEDS A NEW POOL

The Emporium’s fleet has arrived at our borders. We hold space in a neighboring region to The Emporium. It is time to pray up. A radio message is being sent to our leaders and diplomats. The fate of Low Sec and our people is in our hands...

A NEW KIND OF EMPORE

On November 23 on the Emporium forums (which is not like r/eve AT ALL!), Mittens, alliance leader of Goonswarm Federation, The Emporium coalition and Kickstarter genius, announced plans to create a super-dooper RMT empire in New Eden. His plan, which was laid out to all members of the Emporium, is quite simple(duh!): Bend the knee and enjoy the benefits of shopping at The Emporium, or be evicted and replaced with someone who will. This message was quickly passed around Reddit (to much lolz), but has now been made official as of November 30.

THE MESSENGER (KEEL THE MESSENGER!!)

The Emporium’s plan, organized under the Ministry of Shifty RMT Oversight (MittsPOOL), involves viceroys, or Grand Moffs, contacting regional leaders with an offer that comes with two options. The first option is to take the benefits package of The Emporium in return for simple, reasonable bimonthly fees and/or tribute which they can then convert into real monies. The second option is much more nasty pants; If a subject alliance denies the offer, the full might of The Emporium will deploy and exterminate the subject alliance’s sovereignty and assets (Luckily Low Sec don't got none of that!). At first, there will be loads (of) resistance and rebellion, but that is the point! (It only took two paragraphs!) Resistance means war, and war means everyone gets to shoot spaceships. “Rebellions and traitors,” Mittens said, “will be put down by The Emporium's guaranteed low prices and BoGo Sales.” (Don't we shoot spaceships all the time?)

The Mitten’s post on goonfleet.com also stated, “This is possible now only due to the failure of our Kickstarter which attempted to take goons monies. That didn't work. So now we gotta expand our plan into other people's wallets.”

THE DETS

SALE! SALE! SALE! Oh, sorry, we meant content. What else are we gonna do?

THINGS THE EMPORIUM WILL NOT DO

No Returns after 30 days
No International Shipping
No Private Dinners with Mittens
No Treats
And NO Book DAMN YOU ALL! Stoopid community!

POSSIBLE BENEFITS TO EMPORIAL SUBJECTS

Discounted Subscriptions to TMC™ Feeds!
Super-Duper Capital Construction™
Intel and Connections™: We'll share our sekrit pony list™ with ya.
Guides to set up Reaction Chains & Improve Finance, Org Creation™, Fleet Doctrines (possibly unwise™, lolz™)
Goonmetrics™ as a Market Tool
(Possible) Miniluv™ Exemption™: those who bend the knee won't be blown up en route to Jita - additional monthly fee for safety
Non-Invasion Pact: AKA™ 'The Emporium™ won't exterminate you', won't attack the hard assets of subjects, though ships may be blown up randomly on roams. (Welcome to Low Sec, this is our entire reason for being!)

POSSIBLE TRIBUTE FROM EMPORIAL SUBJECTS

20% of Goo™ produced by Subject Moons™, as confirmable by recon and prorated given changes in ownership (Math!!)
Alternative: Forced Discount™, The Emporium buys all of subject's goo sold in Jita at an enforced 10-15% discount under market.(Lolz!)
PI Taxation™ - Customs Feels
COLLECTION OF TRIBUTE™
COLLECTION OF TRIBUTE™™
COLLECTION OF TRIBUTE™™™
COLLECTION OF TRIBUTE (You get the idear)

"Taxes" are delivered twice a month
"Taxes" are delivered to Jita by the subject, not the viceroy. (Its good to be a Viceroy!)
Viceroys of subject alliances will receive 5% of the taxes/tribute taken (Oh I see what you did there!)

WHAT MIGHT THE FUTURE HOLD?

Like it or not, Mitten's is getting a new pool. With The Emporium's current campaign in the evacuated region of Cloud Ring, we may see this plan put into action a lot sooner than later. Spring is Coming!!


BONUS!!!

We're also happy to reveal the NEW Viceroy Program LOGO!!





18 comments:

  1. This is going to go just as well as the Book!

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  2. Will 117 Billion be the new battlecry?
    http://pastebin.com/uGYPpZBN

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    Replies
    1. That was an awesome response. So understated until the end... beautiful, and deserving of a rallying cry.

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    2. Better (though astonishingly similar) reply: NUTS!

      http://www.army.mil/article/92856

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  3. I am not sure how much of what you posted is just laughing sarcastically at them (yes, I have read the crap on TMC), but you got it right about the RMT. Extort ISK from player groups, then have them buy it back with with real life cash.

    And meanwhile, CCP sits there with its thumb up its ass, terrified of the carnage that would be laid down on the servers if they tried to stop the goon RMT machine. It is better for CCP to sit quietly, and have the CCP security team trumpet every few months their victories in their war on RMT. Is it still called the CCP security team, or is it now also a division of goonswarm?

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  4. So out of curiosity, are you still trying to pretend you aren't grr goons, or is that cat officially out of the bag now? Seems like every day your blog is mittani this or "emporium" that. How butthurt can you really be over one guy calling you a charlatan?

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    1. I'm not "butthurt" as you call it, at all. You may have missed the blog description at the top where it says " for over six years Eveoganda has been raising Hell, taking names and openly mocking things that need to be mocked". And if anything deserves to be mocked it is the latest blunders of Mittens. Soon it'll be something else I'm sure.

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    2. Mmhmm, if you say so. Certainly reads like butthurt lately. It's not just you though, I'm getting bored of every decent blog and news site being dedicated to goons lately.

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    3. Yeah its a real shame you are bored reading and commenting on all those decent blogs. Its so unusual for a community of bloggers and news sites to discuss, report and talk about current events. I don't know what has gotten into people lately. So strange.

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    4. Yeah, because these are the only events occurring lately. Charlatan.

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    5. Oh noes, you got me! I'm undone and exposed now, I should probably quit.

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    6. Come on, Jimmy. Are you really that daft? Now tell me, how come you guys did not manage to get Mittani's Kickstarter funded? You have the numbers and have been willing to shower him your money. What has changed this time?

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    7. Who is "you guys"? I'm not a goon. I just find it funny how adamant Rixx is that he's not grr goons, then he goes on to spend all of his time insulting goons and now selling tshirts to insult goons it seems. And all because one guy insulted him this one time.

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    8. Rixx... I agree with anonymous. You should tots not talk about a declaration of war by the CFC on the rest of null-sec and an obvious desperate attempt to generate meaningful content among the bored CFC masses, because you might be called "Grr Goons" by an apologist. How dare you write about something relevant. I mean, it's not as if it's a giant face-palming moment on Mittens' part or a big deal affecting any players.

      Right? Right???

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    9. Oh no, all the usual suspects are starting to show up with their sarcasm. I'd better go before they mob me with their inanity. You carry on telling goons how much you don't care about them by going on about them and explaining to the masses how you're not grr goons but instead have legitimate complaints by continuously insulting and crying about goons.

      In all seriousness though, you must be able to see the irony in these latest streams of posts from the community about the ebil goons...

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    10. "irony" is such a miss-used word. Along with butthurt, u mad, grr goons, and all the other words used to deflect true and open dialogue about issues that seriously affect our game and our community. Just yesterday I created two hats for friends of mine both of whom are goons. There are several friends of mine in Stay Frosty and in ABA that are alts of Goons, a couple of them are higher ups by the way. And I shouldn't have to, once again, freaking defend my history.

      So no, I'm sorry. I will not fit neatly into your neat little box. I am however grr idiots. I have a very low threshold for stupidity and ignorance. And there is an overabundance of both around lately. Personally, I prefer mockery and positive good time humor in response to idiotic trolling. And I will continue to do so as long as idiots continue doing idiotic things that harm the game I enjoy and the community I love.

      I hope that properly answers your concerns.

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  5. As Viceroy of 5-0WB9 I am demanding the illegally onlined outpost in this system be transferred to NPC Tax Evasion Corp

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