ARCHIVE: Real World Eve Terms


What if Eve didn't exist?  But somehow, through the magic of our imaginations (or at least mine), the terms we associate with Eve survived and had been integrated into our everyday lives?  What would they mean?  This is the lame-o supposition behind today's post.  I hope this turns out as good as it is in my head right now.  Let's see.

Station Spinning:  The act of pacing back and forth within a confined space, delaying actions that may cause you physical or mental stress.  Any action that attempts to do nothing, as opposed to doing something.  As in, "Honey, the kids won't go outside and play, all they're doing is station spinning in the living room!"  or, "Dave, stop station spinning and get out there and and talk to that angry mob!"

CTA: Any organized and scheduled mandatory event designed to counter station spinning.  "At 7 p.m. Dave you'll have to go outside and talk to that angry mob or else you're fired!"  or, "Boys, it's almost 2 p.m. and that means it's time to go outside and play.  Or Binky gets it!"

TeamSpeak:  A self-generated slang language typically shared by members of a sports team or other organized athletic groups.  TeamSpeak is localized and often unique to the individual teams and cannot be easily understood by the general population.  Often other rival teams will employ a "spy" whose job it is to learn the local TeamSpeak and pass along sensitive information regarding plays and player conditions to his own local sports team.

Yellow Boxed:  Any condition of anticipated aggression or attraction by one person towards another.  "Dude, that chick at the end of the bar is totally yellow boxing you."  or, "You best stop yellow boxing me man or we is gonna 1v1!"

Sansha Nation:  A small Asian country, formerly part of the Soviet Union, best known for two reasons.  First, it is the boulder capital of the world.  The sheer amount and size diversity of boulders is staggering.  Secondly, the Sansha Warrior tribe is well known for standing around in the boulder fields only to attack anyone wandering into them.  There are few surviving members of this tribe remaining, but an enduring myth states that they will be re-born during the time of the "Re-Spawn" which occurs periodically.

DT: Similar to a Siesta, a DT is different however in that it is usually only one hour long and occurs not in the heat of the afternoon but at the worst possible time of the day for resting.  DTs are often extended past the one hour time limit due to technical problems, which have something to do with food delivery servers or waiters, the exact reasons are always murky.

Grid:  Commonly this is the area immediately around an individual person, the exact measurement of the grid varies by individual, but is typically four times the width of out-stretched arms.  For some unexplained reason, whenever you jump into the air, it can take time for your "Grid to Load", which is yet another slang term used by certain youth that defies easy definition.

Inty:  Any person acting on their own, weaving through a crowd to engage another individual.  "Man Sheila is all the way on the other side of the dance floor, I'm goin' Inty."  

Undock:  The act of leaving a designated parking space, such as a garage.  "Timmy! How many times have I told you not to leave your bike in the undock!  I ran over it again."

Pointed:  The act of forcing someone to stand next to you and listen to you speak when clearly they'd rather be somewhere else.  "God my Boss wouldn't shut up this morning, but he had me pointed for over fifteen minutes."

Phoon:  A large, interesting looking person - usually male - that is completely harmless in most situations but tends to stand immediately outside doors and try to talk to you or sell you something when you pass through them.  "That Ralph is such a Phoon!  He grabbed me on the other side of the bathroom door and wouldn't shut up about his Mother's cookie recipe!"

Optimal Range:  The exact distance from another person at which you are most comfortable and effective talking to them intelligently.  This term is most commonly used in male to female relations and refers to the minimum distance from a female at which the male brain functions at full capacity.  Once the male gets within Optimal Range, other factors such as smell, breast size and cuteness can seriously impact his ability to function as an adult.

Falloff:  (See above)  This is the distance from optimal range in which the male can not only see the female, but realize she might be someone he'd like to engage in conversation.  The typical male that is outside of falloff range tends to play more video games, watch sports and hang out with his buddies.  Interestingly it has been found that general hygiene quality decreases the closer to fall off the individual gets.

Originally published Sept 22, 2010