The Deep Dark


The following is a honest post about depression, anxiety, and mental health. If you are easily triggered by emotional sharing or struggle with these issues then please do yourself a favor and seek help. Within the Eve community there is help available through an organization that I support called Broadcast 4 Reps. They can guide you into finding the help you need. Do not suffer alone.


I suffer from depression. I have my entire life. I've decided to share this today so that others can see that this issue affects everyone from all walks of life. You are not alone. I imagine my depression like the waves on the beach, constantly lapping around the edges, forming a background noise that I can sometimes almost forget is even there. You get used to it and sometimes it gets so far into the background that it can be easy to forget it's always around. But it won't ever let you forget, not truly. Even in moments of pure happiness, or satisfaction, or joy - it is always around the edges - lapping away at the sand.

Luckily for me I long ago learned to live with this darkness. We fought a lot in my teens and early adulthood. The pinnacle of this conflict came during my first year at college - first time significantly away from home in a place where I knew no one. Suddenly thrust into a strange new world, surrounded by talented people who seemed so much better than me at what I had only recently decided would be my life's work. In those days everyone seemed more real than I could ever be. More talented. More confident. I was firmly in the icy grip of this beast back then.

There were times when I walked across bridges and looked into the black waters below me and considered it. And if you happen to suffer from depression you know exactly what I mean. But fortunately for me, I came out the winner in these fights. Over time I learned to harness this darkness and use it to my benefit. At least most of the time. Because really, and honestly, the fight is never truly over. It can be a mistake to ever let yourself believe you've finally won. Because that is the moment the wind can carry those waves up onto the beach and carry you away.

For me creative expression, art, design, and an insane level of dedication proved to be my own salvation. And I must also admit to some serious self-medication in the form of marijuana back in those days. Pot really helped me calm my brain and take the edge off of the voices living in there. And while I never got around to seeking professional help, I was fortunate to have a lot of truly great friends who listened, or shared, or helped me during those years. Most of whom still stay in touch all these years later.

So sometimes, when things are stressful or not going well, or when some idiots start harassing me in space (which has been a real thing these past few weeks) the waves can start lapping around my ankles again. I know when it is happening and I know how to deal with it. I'm not in any danger. I'm a professional at this these days and have been for a long time. In fact, usually these episodes are simply prequels for another surge of creativity. It is almost like a damn of mental debris needs to be flushed from the system every so often. Or, at least, that is how I choose to think of it.

There is so much more I could share, but I don't want to over-share here. I just wanted to be honest about it in the hopes that by doing so it might help someone else. These are stressful times and mental health is in the news, as it should be. If you are reading these words, then I care about you. Eve player or not. In my corp/alliance or not. We are all human beings here.

Stay Frosty.